10 Surprising Things that Ruin Relationships

By Tori Rodriguez

Make time for your mate, show your appreciation, say more positive things than negative ones and keep the lines of communication open: Most of us have gotten the memo by now on these relationship rules. But researchers have turned up plenty of not-so-obvious factors that can help or hurt a couple's level of happiness with each other. We tapped the latest science to turn up new pitfalls, as well as tips to help you keep your love connection going strong. Photo by Getty Images

1. Too much power. While you would expect the partner with less say-so to be unhappier, researchers discovered that the one with more influence over their mate was actually less satisfied. Since many folks now value equality in relationships, both of you should be 'wearing the pants.'

If you always defer to your sweetie when making joint decisions, start having your say more often; if you're the one who usually gets the final word, start taking turns.

2. Conflicting memories of key events. According to a 2013 study, couples who recalled their past differently had weaker relationships. Talk about things that are important to you; don't assume that a milestone-like exchanging keys to each other's homes-means the same thing to both of you, says Sarah Halpern-Meekin, PhD, a professor at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "It can be easy to avoid these conversations and just let the relationship 'slide' along, but there may be negative consequences."

3. Unrealistic expectations. Expecting the worst from a relationship obviously isn't healthy, but being overly optimistic can also backfire. Another 2013 study found that people whose hopes were too high ("We will have a perfect sex life!") were more often disappointed in their first year of marriage than those with more realistic expectations ("We will both make sure we try and have a good and active sex life!") "No relationship is perfect, and holding highly optimistic specific expectations often leads to disappointment," says Lisa Neff, PhD, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin. Don't ditch the positive outlook, just keep yourself in check.

4. Being put on a pedestal. It seems those unrealistic expectations are harmful from any direction. A new study found that being over-idealized doesn't make you happy. Instead, you can end up feeling that your spouse doesn't really see you for who you are. There's also added pressure to live up to their idealized view of you, which could leave you feeling insecure. A little worship goes a long way, but don't overdo it! Make sure it's based on your mate's real strengths rather than wishful thinking.

5. Not feeling the love for yourself. It may seem that self-improvement goals would be a boost to your partnership, but it turns out kindness-both toward yourself and your loved one-may be a more worthwhile focus. In one study, self-compassion was a stronger predictor of positive relationship behavior than self-esteem. Other research found that having compassionate goals for each other made relationships stronger, whereas trying to look good in someone else's eyes made them weaker. Researchers say goals relating to how you appear lead to feelings of competition, confusion and fear, while compassionate goals foster feelings of cooperation and love.

6. Not praying it will work out. Pairs who pray after a disagreement are happier, says a recent study. When couples pray for each other, they may be more likely to experience a stronger bond and sense of connection. Prayers in the study included statements like, "I pray that good things will happen for my partner," and "I pray for the well-being of this person," but if prayer isn't your thing, try a loving-kindness meditation where you wish your mate happiness.

7. Not being nosy enough. We all know what curiosity did to the cat, but it can work wonders for your relationship. Researchers believe curious people are more likely to see stressful situations as challenges rather than threats. They're also better communicators, more flexible and more open to new solutions. When there's trouble in paradise, pause before reacting and think of how the conflict could be the perfect opportunity to figure out a different approach to a lingering issue.

8. Texting too much. Don't worry if it's only noon and you've already texted your spouse five times, unless that's typically the bulk of your contact with each other. Researchers at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington found that when couples communicate via text more often than in person or by phone, they were less satisfied in their relationships, possibly because over-texters tend to be more avoidant and anxious. No need to ditch the emoticons, but try to actually talk more than you text.

9. Overthinking it. You know how "Are we there yet?" just makes where you're going seem further away? Well, asking yourself "Are we close yet?" might have a similar effect on your partnership, making real intimacy less likely. A 2013 study found that if you're thinking all the time about whether you're close, you don't have time to actually be close. Allow your experiences together-and the feelings that arise from them-to unfold naturally rather than forcing them.

10. Chivalry is dead? It might be time to dust off your thoughts about gender roles, particularly if you endorse what experts call "benevolent sexism," the belief that men should truly and literally worship, protect and cherish women. Researchers found that women who expected to be on a pedestal were more easily let down and disappointed during tough relationship times. Remember, some conflict is healthy-it doesn't mean he doesn't love you-and don't let societal views determine your marriage ideals, suggests Matthew Hammond, a PhD candidate at the University of Auckland in New Zealand.